My last ...

I know that no one but God can. I regret the Tuesdays I missed. Sorry,
but my condition has led me away from Fridays. I desperately wanna go
back, but I wont be accepted for I've gone beyond the trash and into
darkness too many times. It's not self rejection. I have experienced
it. I'm not accepted. Like the time I came back. Everything is so
damned tight that it would be impossible for me to return. I have gone
beyond your ranks. I'm just that guy that went too far, that guy who
is beyond help. Pray for him, but don't bother accepting him, loving
him or even batting an eyelid.

He doesn't listen, he doesn't run back. He doesn't repent, he doesn't
want. He says he is in a place where quick fixes don't exist - he
won't accept that they will work. He just doesn't care anymore, even
though he admits his darkest faults to your face.

I regret walking away from a loving friendship. I regret spending so
much time on a gathering that will never accept me for who I am, who I
was and who I will become in the loving body of Christ. I won't stop
helping those who need my support - that's just unethical and rude.

It doesn't matter what more I try explain - the deal is set and the
love has dried up. Satan is always on the prowl and will maul the next
person who is vulnerable, lazy and sick, making sure the love in close
friendships dies to a mere care. I care about my dogs, but they aren't
in the bigger picture so it is pointless to love them. Why love
something that doesn't seem to want to grow? Why waste love when a
care is less to bother about and easier to handle?

What is Love?
It's the biggest debate known to mankind.
It's such a heavy burden to carry when the person you love has drifted
away beyond your help.

I'm talking about the Love intended for (with) the commandment that
tells us to love one another..

Love is who God is.
Love is more than friendship.
Love is going beyond just love.

I suck at it by the way!
I will love like Jesus did, even when those around have less and less
love for me.

I feel like running away and never returning.
I won't run. I'll walk away till the season is over.

What does God explicitly forbid?
What have I been doing for the last few months?
I have been testing God, and it has not been working.

Know that sheep story? Where the one went missing?
I was like that sheep. God rescued me.
And that's when the story is meant to stop, but I tried to make it continue.
I went missing on purpose and then came back fustrated after God kept
telling me that it would not work.
Some of the flock did not know me and a few were new to me.
Away I went.
Further than I had gone before.
Knowing that this was the only way to really test God.

After the first test, I was at least halfway further than I had gone
before the test. Nothing happened, so I decided to give it another go.
The border was close and I knew it was impossible to cross.
As I began the second test, I noticed a bright yellow sign that said
to caution before going past. It couldn't be for me, I was walking on
the road, I was not driving.

I got into a boat by the edge of the lake. It was fully automated! All
I had to do was to choose my direction for traveling to the other side
of the lake. By nightfall I decided to test God, but not test him in
an open way, secretly test God. I said if he could take the reigns, so
to speak, of the boat and could get me to the other side by morning, I
would run back to camp.
I woke up the next morning and found the lake had turned to salt. I
got out of the boat to find something to eat. After a brilliant
breakfast prepared by the chef and his family, I returned to the boat.
The chef's brother followed me and I heard him ask if I believed in
the keeper of the camp I came from. When I said I did, he laughed at
me and said many had perished because of the keeper of my camp.

The boat was not there. There was a lake full of water. Where the boat
once stood were several large boulders sunk deep into the grassy bank.
How could there ever had been a boat. As I sat on the boulders, the
man mocked me and blatantly told me that the keeper is not to be
trusted.

NO!!!

As I screamed out towards the camp that I had left before beginning my
tests, the man sat next to me and assured me that I was in safe hands
and that I should spend the night. I asked to be left alone and told
the man that I would return by nightfall. Soon after he left, I
thanked God that I had got here peacefully. I heard a noise and
listened carefully. It sounded as though someone asked how I could be
thanking God before I had even met him. The girls noticed that I was
listening. As they ran off I heard that tomorrow would be the day that
I met God.

I decided to find another way past this lake to get to the other side.
I started jogging. The lake went on for a long distance in front of
me, so I decided to run instead. Funny, I never got tired of running.
By the time it started to get dark, I saw a bridge-like structure
across the most narrow part of the lake. Between where I stood and
this structure, was a dense thicket full of bramble and infested with
nettles. I could barely see in front of me. Nightfall was rearing it's
head.

I was not dead. I still had my body. The boat must have drifted off.
How could that man have so little faith about God. Why did he call God
the keeper? I would not be meeting God yet, besides, where were they
getting all their luxuries from? It didnt make sense. They had
chocolate crates stacked high behind the house. They had light-speed
internet without any wires or antennas. They had so much stuff. It was
as though they were related. They knew how I liked my coffee and meat
and eggs and everything else.

I couldn't see where I was going. All I knew was that if the water was
deeper on the right, then I was heading in the correct direction to
get to the bridge. I could hear voices behind me. The chef and his
family were all out looking for me. Somebody saw where my footprints
led to. I then heard laughing and the chef's booming voice, "We will
not come after you, but be warned! If you are not back by morning, you
will be brought back to our home in chains where you will meet our God
and become his slave. If you come back with us now, you will get to
meet our God and he will give you riches beyond your dreams." "You
have thirty minutes before we start heading back to our warm home,"
came the voice of the chef's brother.

God's slave? God's pimped up friend?
I get to meet God?

Surely I would die if I met God?
I decided to keep heading for the bridge - either way, I would surely die.

I was itchy and sore all over. Blood was everywhere. I had cuts so
deep I could see to my bone.
It was full moon by the time I got to the other side of the thicket. I
was happy with myself that I had come this far. I danced on the spot
and praised God. There was indeed a bridge. I was promised life and I
at one time could not wait to get this promised life.
I was not about to give up and die!

I bathed myself in the lake and almost died from doing so - the lake
was saltier that the sea, yet it did not taste much like salt. I could
barely see out of my now fiery-burning eyes. Each step was painful. I
kept crying out to God for help. This bridge had more holes than
actual structure. It was worse than a balancing beam. I was constantly
praying for God's strength to get me to the other side. Midway the
wind started howling and I came bitterly close to falling off many,
many times. During the last stretch, I did fall, but managed to stay
on the bridge by my fingertips. As I prayed it felt as though I was
given the strength to lift myself back upon the bridge.

Light started appearing over the horizon by the time I got to the
other side of the lake. I didn't waste any time. I started singing
praise songs and I kept singing with glee as I sprinted back to camp.
There were many wrong turns on the way and the wind kept on blowing
towards me, going behind me. There were times when I wished for death,
but during those times I prayed even more.

I hardly recognized the camp. Even though it was dark, I could see a
glow of colourful lights from far off.
I heard music from what sounded like a party. As I turned the corner,
everything went dark and quiet. Not that I expected to see anyone or
thing. As I put my foot through the threshold of camp, there came a
dramatic chorus of electric guitars repeating a riff of sorts. I then
heard what sounded like an announcer announcing the arrival of the
special guest.

At last! I got to the kitchen door. I quietly opened the door and I
was met with the screaming and shouting of my name. That was not the
kitchen. I had just entered the largest most happening party I had
ever seen and to top it off, I was the special guest!
They saw me coming back to camp and held a celebration party to
celebrate my return to camp. The riff that I had heard as I entered
camp changed into worship songs. Aah, what a wonderful event this was.
We were worshiping God with gusto and every now and then I'd bump into
old friends and we would be swept away to the dance floor to dance the
night away in praise to God for bringing me safely back!

I heard that the people on the other side of the lake were lost and
that when they eventually met the god that the chef's family spoke
about, they were led away into the depths of his lair for his
entertainment. Those that found the bridge and fell into the lake were
brought before this god and made for his biggest entertainment.

---
Thanks be to God that I can still call out to him.
I do not wish to cross the lake in the boat anymore. All I want to do
is run back to to God. It's just that the manual-override is so
difficult to implement. I will not give up!

I feel that my season is to be lived out in another camp. To all my
friends in my camp, I will miss you and I will be back when this
season of my life is over and I find God.
---

!!NB: I will be jumping ship soon, but I'll leave this archive where
it is - you should find me with my nickname from BYSA Summer Camp in
2005/6 that I got from eating a snack out of cans...